1. Toyota Quantum 2.5 D-4D 14-Seater (0-100kph in 28sec)
If, like most taxi drivers, you are in a hurry to get places, then this probably isn’t the model to go for. But for taking your favourite aunties from the stamp club down to Margate for the holidays? It’s just perfect.
2. Chery QQ3 0.8 (0-100kph in 20sec)
It may (or may not, if you’re the Chinese brand Chery’s corporate spin doctor) have started out life as a reverse-engineered Daewoo Matiz/Chevrolet Spark, but what matters now is there’s certainly very little spark left in the 812cc mite. And, as Bruce Springsteen said, ‘You can’t start a fire…’
3. Volkswagen Polo Vivo A/T (0-100kph in 17.5sec)
So your 18yo daughter wants a new Polo Vivo to impress her new varsity mates? No problem, but you’re worried about her heavy right foot – get her one of these. It should also be an easy sell to a retiree, once she has graduated, of course.
4. Suzuki Jimny 1.3 A/T (0-100kph in 17.2sec)
Granted, you don’t but a Jimny to use down at the drag strip, still, the auto model is so slow off the line you could probably solve the age-old mystery of what the heck Jimny means, and still have time to charge your phone before reaching 100kph.
5. Hyundai i10 1.1 A/T (0-100kph in 17.1sec)
You can do a lot of things in 17 seconds; you can watch a video on Instagram, you can run a 110m hurdles race, you can reheat your coffee, or, if you’re Eminem, you can rap 97 words. What you cannot do is shift a 50kW 4-spd auto i10 from zero to 100kph.
6. Land Rover Defender 130TD Crew Cab (0-100kph in 17sec)
The Defender’s legendary off-road prowess means it seldom has to go around stuff or even slow much for obstacles when going over them, which is fortunate because getting back up to speed is not its strong point, clearly.
7. Fiat Qubo Multijet (0-100kph in 16.5sec)
Postman Pat’s Italian cousin’s family can musters 55kW from its 1.3-litre Multijet diesel mill. Yes, it’s light on fuel alright, but there’s nothing het-like about this boxy Fiat’s acceleration. Rubik’s cubes have been solved in far less time – 5.55 second to be exact.
8. Ford Figo 1.4 TDCi (0-100kph in 15.8sec)
Everybody knows the Figo is a previous-gen Fiesta reborn, but did you know the figo means cool in Italian? Perhaps Ford should have called the diesel-engined version ‘Frigo’ (fridge) instead because there’s nothing remotely hot about its glacial performance.
9. Honda Brio Amaze A/T (0-100kph in 15.7sec)
The only thing that’ll amaze you more than the maze of crazy crease lines down the side of the little Indian-sourced sedan is the time it takes to hit the metric ton. Not exactly amazeballs. A little more brio required please Honda.
10. Renault Clio 1.2 (0-100kph in 15.4sec)
Look at those muscular curves, dancing crease lines, sweptback windshield and slippery profile; the cool new Clio sure looks fast. Sadly in non-turbo 1.2-litre Authetique trim it is likely to be passed by hat-shod farmers in Renault 12-based Dacia pickups. Ah well, take solace in the fact its (just about) quicker to 100kph than everything else on this list.