Snik! I’ve just hooked second gear, bursting from the pit lane and onto the main straight. The needle rockets to the red line and I flatten the clutch for the shove to third. Turn one is upon me and I’m off the throttle, the staccato full-bore roar replaced by a race car rifle crack from the exhaust barrels. Splutters, crackles and pops erupt as engine compression helps the massive brake discs slow the little car just enough to clip the apex. Power is poured back on and the sound on exit from the turn is madly addictive and wholly mismatched to the humble 1600 motor beneath that curvy bonnet.
This is the new John Cooper Works Mini, and at R300 000 in basic trim it’s no cheap thrill. Add a few options from the exhaustive Mini catalogue and you’ll easily rack up a R325 000 bill. That’s R100k more than two similarly-specced European rivals, the Renault Cliosport R27 and Opel Corsa OPC. We’ve brought them along to lay down their respective gauntlets, but they’re not alone. The Mini’s sky-high sticker price means it has to defend itself against the larger hot hatches, the cream of the crop. So we lined up the brilliant Ford Focus ST, fresh from its mid-life facelift, and the Seat Leon Cupra, which joins us for its last track foray before VWSA calls it curtains on the brand in SA. The bigger hatches still undercut the Mini’s price tag by R50k or so, and unless you’re a high nett-worther that’s hard to ignore. Each car trumpets the respective marque’s sporting heritage, and each promises the best compromise between trackday toy and urban runabout. After just one lap it’s easy to be seduced by any one of them. You’ll even be able to post a respectable lap time first time out, a testament to their driveability.

Test circuit
Killarney Raceway in the Cape served as our battleground, with its five distinct turns and two long straights more than capable of testing the mettle of any hot hatch. Here we can easily sort good front-driver from true performance legend. Our wait for a gap between a succession of Cape storms was worth it. We needed at least a partially dry track to extract the best possible performance from the cars. Our full day’s routine began with 0-100km/h sprints, quarter-mile (400 metres to be precise) runs and 100-0km/h braking tests. Finally, we wanted a lap time comparison, achieved via a warm-up and two flying laps in each contender.

OPEL CORSA OPC
This is one ‘cute’ car, but before you shoot me down, remember that the art of ‘cuteness’ has long been nature’s secret weapon. It’s the reason why giant bears are adored by children all over; it’s the law that endears our goo-covered infants to us. Small wonder such automotive notables as the VW Beetle, Fiat Cinquecento and Ford Ka. Enough to make you want to cuddle them for the full 54-month instalment term. Therein lies the problem: turning Bambi into a focused track tool. Witness the tinsel-strewn exterior of the Corsa OPC. The addition of aggressive bumpers, vented arches and massive hoop-like alloys, while striking to behold, seems to unbalance the lines of the little Opel. I’m still endeared to it thanks to the ‘smiley-face’ airdam and doe-eyed headlamp treatment, but the overall package seems compromised. Strangely this all makes me want it to be the quickest one here, to triumph over the cars who take themselves too seriously. Regrettably, it doesn’t quite happen.