IT’S THE ROUND trip round-up! Ambitious? Not terribly. Wise? Not terribly. Doing the 1460km trip (each way) from Cape Town’s southern suburbs all the way to Centurion in Gauteng in a car I’ve accused of being uneconomical and potentially uncomfortable may not seem like the smartest way to send off the old dame. But due to the alignment of many factors, not least being the Topcar Experience which happened at Zwartkops Raceway in June, the decision was made and a family road trip planned.

And so at 6pm, after a refuel and much checking and rechecking of fluids, pressures and snack levels, a laden Suzuki Grand Vitara eased out of the driveway, brimming with my entire brood and a breakaway portion of our belongings to tide us over a week’s stay. Space dictated that my wife and I occupied the front row, our three boisterous lads the back seat. It was cramped out back, mostly due to the bulky nature of the pair of child seats flanking my eldest and seating my younger and youngest. The decision to drive at night was of course due to the levels of distraction, nay madness, inherent in driving with those little gems occupying the rear bench.

A night drive, however, comes with its own set of pros and cons. ‘The Good’: in addition to better concentration levels the route would likely be lighter on traffic plus the cabin would be cooler ergo less of a call on the air-con, both positive for fuel economy. ‘The Bad’: trucks. Lots and lots of trucks. Slow, meandering mobile chicanes hovering at the speed limit and obstructing vision. A cool head is needed to navigate around these behemoths during the 14-hour journey. I have such a head. ‘The Ugly’: with just ‘five on the floor’, a sixth cog would have greatly aided fuel consumption. It also meant that with 130kph showing on the speedo (122.71kph according to my Nokia mobile’s GPS, mounted to the windscreen) the revs were sitting at an uncomfortably high 3700rpm. Worse, I had to keep them there with constant foot pressure as there’s no cruise control. One more thing, and this truly is just nitpicking, the Grand Vitara is no multimedia powerhouse. Still, it’s relevant on a journey like this because boredom is a factor, even if you make regular stops for a respite from the driver’s seat. The GV has a six-disc MP3 player as its sole jewel, with no cell phone connectivity for telephony and no audio storage. But that’s OK, because I am New Bohemian Man. A cigarette lighter plus second auxiliary power port flank the gear lever, which means I’m able to plug in an MP3 player with 540 full minutes of audio, and the cell phone charger. So, with cables snaking everywhere, I’m also known as Travelling Nerd Man.

And so, to what seems a soundtrack stretching to infinity of old rock, new pop and the cursing of Dane Cook, George Carlin and Billy Connolly, the kilometers were melted off our journey. With Worcester relegated to the rear-view mirror, Laingsburg was soon in sight. Then came Beaufort West followed by Colesberg, the accepted halfway mark. Passage through each town was marked by a flurry of nappy changes, coffee snarfing (grab the wrong flask and you’ll agree that baby formula has an adverse affect on your concentration levels) and the ingestion of every type of monosodium glutamate laden product on the market. And sandwiches. So many sandwiches.