“I just don’t get the logic behind naming cars almost at random. It’s badge engineering’s evil brother at work”

There was a time, and not too long ago either, when the badge on your car’s bum used numbers that meant something. A 325i BMW could be trusted to have a 2.5-litre engine under its hood. Similarly, a BMW 540i would boast a 4.0-litre lump at its heart. It all made perfect sense. On pretty much every other car, a 130i and 160i badge were good, honest representations of the engine capacities – simply 1.3-litre and 1.6-litre respectively – of the car they were adorning. A Nissan 350Z could be trusted to contain a 3.5-litre engine and even the rare 22B Subaru Impreza did the right thing by having a 2.2-litre under the scoop.

Everything was simple, everything was right. And then along came BMW’s 130i hatchback. This beasty wasn’t brandishing a meagre 1300cc four-pot, however, because it was motivated by a 3.0-litre straight six. If you used the previously accepted formula for distinguishing Bavaria’s model codes – first digit refers to the chassis, the remaining two the engine capacity – you’d eventually figure it out. Alternatively, if the driver flattened the throttle the bellow from both exhaust tips would offer up a valuable hint of its true pedigree. So well done up to this point. But that’s also when the rule book was tossed out of the proverbial sunroof, and my job suddenly got a lot harder.

Take turbocharging, for instance. BMW has recently ushered in this technological marvel of the motoring world, most notably in its 335i and 135i models. Brilliant cars, fantastic performance – but the name is all wrong. You see, despite the packaging, they’re actually still ‘just’ three-litre engines, instead of the 3500cc you might expect. Nor does the badge call on a simple ‘T’ to signify the car’s blown credentials. It seems that the last digit – the ‘5’ – performs that task. Oh wait, no it doesn’t, because that would imply the 125i coupé has a two-litre turbocharged motor spinning those rear wheels. But that’s not the case either. No. Instead it has, and this might confuse you a bit, a three-litre engine once again.Is it all random then? Well no, I wish it was. Instead it seems that the marketing team has been wearing the pants lately with the engineers having to pick up the slack. A second generation of 1 Series is likely to see things escalate to a new level of confusion. Allow me to illustrate: the new 115i, 116i and 118i will each sport a 1.3-litre engine in various states of tune with the 116i and 118i benefitting from a turbocharger. As for the diesels, you can now choose between a 118d, 120d and 123d model – they share a 2.0-litre engine with outputs varying from 112kW to 158kW. I can see the economies of scale derived from producing fewer engines and tuning them for different outputs, but I just don’t get the logic behind naming them almost at random. It’s badge engineering’s evil brother at work.

So that’s the crazy world of BMW, and as long as it doesn’t catch on, and as long as I have the internet at my disposal for checking and double-checking what’s really in the tin, I guess I can live with their badge ‘liberties’. But what’s this? Ingolstadt’s latest saloon, the Audi A6, has just been delivered in 3.0T guise. That’s ‘T’… for Supercharger, or ‘Mechanical Turbocharger’ as the marketing team have decreed. But that’s not really what it is, is it? It’s an honest ‘supercharger’ nestled between the cylinder banks and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It certainly isn’t something I’d feel any need to cover up.
Superchargers have a massive following in the world of drag racing and muscle car building where the fact they are belt driven and have zero lag from the off holds plenty of appeal. Mercedes has successfully used them in its Kompressor range for years. Alas, the dishonesty continues for this marque, as the previous Sport Coupé range in 180, 200 and 230 Kompressor derivatives all shared the same 1.8 litre lump, tuned for different outputs. Deception! 

Supercharger, they even have a cleverer name. Think about it, what beats Super? Certainly not poncy ‘Turbo’, although I would like to take this opportunity to nominate ‘Uber’ as the next evolution of aspiration. VW might have missed a treat here for naming low-capacity models that use both a turbo and a supercharger to keep up with the Joneses. But until the joys of 3.0U motoring are truly achieved, I shall have to contend with schizophrenic BMWs and under-achieving Audis instead.

Calvin was last seen wandering about our parking lot, staring at the rear ends of cars, and shaking his head in disbelief